The vividness that aches

The strumming sound of the guitar makes me realize that I’m slipping away from myself.

Is as though I know so much about the path ahead of me but in reality, I ain’t know shit about it.

It was getting dark and I got comfortable by throwing it a warm welcome.

“Hey Darkness, welcome back to my life.” I once again, was weak.

Back to square one.

It only took that much to push my button and it got pushed hard.

The little Sue in my head told me what I did was a mistake.

For once, I knew very sure what I wanted and I dismissed her comment.

Why does my heart ache so much even though I follow what she told me to do?

Silence, guilt and staring into blank space seem s to be hanging out with me lots.

Can’t help it can they? Since my emotions seems to serving them well.

I need to shop for a smile. Anyone knows where they sell good ones?

Melbourne perhaps? (:

The “normality”I am going through now, I need to get out of it.

Is because of that one, I know I can do better than this.

Oh mi God!

I just saw something so damn hot. I never knew photography can be so sexy.

Nerd/Geek @.@

This is no Auntie Anne’s.

I am sweeping the cob webs of this blog

Sue says hi and sends her love from China. She is barely coping with the inability to access certain main sites which she feeds off for her livelihood. The inability to blog stalk, twitter and facebook is taking a toll on her physical health. She is currently sick and is drowning her sorrows by emotionally eating lots of fatty food. She is attributing this illness of hers to her overly extended stay in China.

Please pray for her that she will be able to make it back to Malaysia alive and well.

 

Nerd/Geek

Thin -spired!

Because, is not Me anymore.

The past makes who we are today. It plays a role in shaping our personality, appearance and attitude. I thought I can just let my past be and just live on with life. I can’t. I hate everything about it. I do not want to be reminded about it anymore. Well, up to high school at least. I really hate primary school and high school, not much worth remembering except a few people. Oh, the drama and whatever crap that still lives on.

I changed tremendously throughout the years. I have become a person not everyone approves. There’s this constant frustration in me that tells me that is not alright to be what I am today. I have to be like everyone else and lead a normal life. Slowly, taking baby steps, I said to myself, “Fuck it! Screw all of you who can’t accept who I am!” I’d never been happier.

I have always have mulut laser. Some people call me a bitch, said that I’m mean but is just who I am. I don’t just zap people with laser ok?! I just tend to be extra honest when it comes to delicate matters. I find it so 鸡婆 trying to tell the truth but doing it the nice way. If you want to be honest, let it out! If the other person does not contact you anymore, it just proves that he or she ain’t a real friend. A real friend would appreciate your honesty because he or she will know your intentions are right. Throughout the years, I have always try not to be like this. I end up being very unhappy all the time. I let loose and became super honest. Well, I lose a number of friends and made a couple of super close friends. They will call me 死八婆 all the time because they know I tend to zap them with laser and still love them very much.

I am not a social butterfly! A lot of my friends tell me how happening my life is. Is not. To be honest, I really hate night outings. Unless is like a super comfy dinner with super nice people. Other than that, I would rather stay home, have sex and eat Ruffles (Cheese flavour please!). I do enjoy catching up with my favourite people over dinner but I tend to avoid dinner parties, or any parties for that matter. Unless the party is organised by my favourite people, then I got no choice lah! On a funnier note, I love hosting parties. Maybe that’s why I do not prefer attending other’s party, I don’t think is not up to my standard! Hey, I’m just being honest! eheh, don’t stop inviting me to parties! I like the idea of being remembered ok! I am like an old aunty lah ok? I really like my night to go by slowly. No hoo-ha. Is near bed time, why pump up the adrenaline and go to bed with a heart beating so fast? Asking for nightmare is it? As age catching up, I slowed down on going out at night. I feel healthier and I don’t find myself dozing off in class that much anymore.

The way I looked changed lots too. I know everyone change throughout the years but I think I really change lor. I am way prettier now. Way more fuck-able!  I mean, I would do myself lor, after having to look at how I use to look.

I am cantik now. Period.

I admit I am vain. Not denying it. (:  I have changed a lot, inside out. Now, I am more of myself. I want to be me and I don’t care what other people think anymore.

i haven’t really been myself.

you came. and went.

parents came and went.

assignments came and still here.

everything happy and fun around me is turning into a dark shade of color.

where do I find myself?

Pardon me. This is procrastinating 101.

the silly question

I love you because you give me the access to gain knowledge on something I know very little about.

Myself.

I don’t really know who I am but being with you gives me the opportunity to learn the real me. You test my patience, you give me the opportunity to care and I discover that I tend to wobble like jelly when around you. Being in a relationship  with you too allows me to try new things and even if I made a mistake, I am very sure that you will still love me. Well,I know you will at least try. I have grown and learnt about myself at a tremendous pace over the past months. You gave me the courage and confidence to come clean and walk out of my past. Everything around me is more vibrant and there’s just so much I look forward in the future, with you. You’re my sugar and spice, you make everything nice.

Sayang, I hope you had a pleasant flight.

Obama and I are waiting for you to be back.

Love you, 大时间。

one of those days….

Today really isn’t my day.

Things, just felt so wrong. Everything.

I am so nervous that I am chewing on my nails.

Why? I would like to know too.

My mind is so stressed up , I even find it hard to construct a full sentence.

At this point, I feel like giving up and do what I have to and leave out the effort.

It’s wearing me out. My mind needs to rest.

Therefore, I am going to sleep now.

*turns mind switch off*

Sometimes is not what I think it is.

The things I see does not sync with what my heart tells me. I am beginning to feel tired trying to convince myself that things will be alright, in due time. But, whatever that’s going on now does not make me believe that things will go my way soon. Is it me or whatever that’s going on really wrong??I don’t like how I feel now. Makes my tongue feel really dry.Is different. The difference I never expected.